November 2004, Message of the Month

Open Heart - Artwork by Kelly Winter
Happy November!

We can create happy holidays for our families even when we live in two homes.

This can be one of the most challenging moments for everyone in a two-home family. The children are usually well if their parents are well. The challenge for parents is letting go.

The first holiday I spent without my children was a Thanksgiving four years ago. I was very attached to creating a tradition with my children and had been practicing that tradition during my marriage as well. I was attached to an image of what this holiday would look and feel like. When my parenting partner, Jav, asked if he could take the children to spend Thanksgiving with his girlfriend's (now his wife) parents in San Francisco, I said 'no'. I was taken aback and quite reactionary to the whole situation. I felt righteous in my response because my partner was from another country and I told myself this wasn't really his holiday. I further consoled myself with the thought that Ingrid's (Jav's girlfriend) parents were not really family. I was very creative in my reasoning. I finally realized after all of this that I was afraid to be without my children for the holidays. What would I face if there was just me? I was afraid of the feelings that would arise being on my own without the children as my focus. The next year was my year to endeavor this moment in my life.

I said 'yes' to my partners, who were then married, and away they went. That first time did feel lonely, but I realize now it was because of my thoughts at the time. I was still attached to form. I still thought of Thanksgiving as a moment only to be shared with my children and my family and now it had changed. But, I hadn't changed with it. As long as I held onto the past I couldn't go forward. I was stuck.

That year I did celebrate with my sister and her fiance in a different way. We went to dinner and then to a play. It was a wonderful performance of the Vagina Monologues and we laughed and cried! We experienced it all that night. The rest of the weekend was a mix of work and time for myself.

I had to grow into this experience. I had to begin to let go and to make a new moment and a new vision. Since that time we have had holidays together, my partners, myself, the kids and extended family members as well as holidays a part. I have chosen to make those moments positive. It is always a choice.

This year our children will be with their dad, Ingrid and Kique (their one year old son) in San Francisco. I have decided that I will do something I have always wantd to do which is to volunteer to help feed others. I am really excited about the holiday because I have chosen to embrace the way (whatever that is) the day unfolds. I have chosen to be of service. I am setting my children free to have a wonderful time with their dad, with the knowledge that I will be well.

Try letting go with peace. See what happens when you wish yourself and everyone else in your family well in the moment of the holiday. Change your perception from less to abundance and watch your moment unfold in beauty rather than sadness or anger. Claim your moment, make it yours. Create a vision for yourself of what gift you will give yourself and those around you.

Enjoy every moment of your holiday by choice!

Be Well


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